Public Libraries to Impose New Fines on Companies for Unauthorized Word Borrowing

In a move described by officials as “long overdue,” public libraries across the country are gearing up to impose sweeping new fines on companies accused of using ordinary words, names, sounds, fruits, weather conditions, and basic human concepts without first checking them out at the circulation desk.

The initiative, administered by the newly created Language Protection Division, reflects librarians’ growing concern that corporations have been treating the English language as though it were some kind of freely available public resource.

“It is not,” said one librarian, adjusting a pair of glasses that were not strictly necessary but seemed institutionally appropriate. “It is a carefully maintained collection. Words have histories. Words have meanings. Words have been through a lot. You cannot just take one, put it in a rounded rectangle, and announce that it is now a platform.”

The Commercial Appropriation of Personal Names

The first enforcement action targets Amazon, which will be fined $5 billion for appropriating the name “Alexa” and assigning it to a cylindrical household employee with no labor protections, no weekends, and a tendency to misunderstand the phrase “play something relaxing.”

The fine will be distributed evenly among all girls and women named Alexa, each of whom will receive 500 years of Amazon Prime membership, a modest grocery credit, and the legal right to ignore anyone who begins a sentence with “Alexa, can you …”

Library officials acknowledged that some Alexas may prefer cash. “We understand,” said the librarian. “Not everyone wants 2-day shipping for the rest of recorded civilization.”

Amazon representatives said they would appeal, reportedly by asking Alexa how.

Next is Anthropic, which faces a $10 billion fine for using the name “Claude” for an AI product. 

“You cannot just take a perfectly respectable boy’s name,” said a member of the Language Protection Division, “attach it to a chatbot, and then act surprised when actual Claudes begin receiving invitations to test new features.”

The library board noted that Claude is a name with a long and honorable history, borne by artists, writers, uncles who own very serious cameras, and at least one man who has spent 40 years repairing antique radios in Vermont.

As punishment, Anthropic employees will be required to use dial-up modems at full volume for 3 years while at work. The requirement includes:

• Listening to the electronic shrieking sound every time they open a document
• Waiting several minutes for a single webpage to load
• Being disconnected whenever someone in the building uses a telephone
• Explaining to younger co-workers what a “busy signal” is and why it made adults so tired

Employees will also be required to save every document on a floppy disk labeled “FINAL_FINAL_REALLYFINAL_v7.”

“Yes, this may seem severe,” said the librarian. “But the next penalty involves Windows 95, and nobody wants that.” 

Apple Faces Fruit-Related Charges

Apple is also under investigation for what librarians describe as “a profoundly confident use of a fruit that had already established itself in the marketplace several thousand years before Cupertino.”

The company may face a proposed $17 billion fine for appropriating the word Apple, which librarians say had previously been associated with orchards, pies, lunch boxes, cider, teachers’ desks, gravity, temptation, and the annual realization that no one actually wants to bob for apples after seeing what happens in the water.

The fine would be paid to apple growers, orchard workers, pie bakers, people who packed one in a brown-paper lunch bag, and anyone who has ever eaten an apple while staring at a frozen Apple logo. 

The company declined to comment, although a spokesperson did release a statement saying the investigation was “innovative, intuitive, and available in titanium.” Librarians were not impressed. 

Google Ordered to Look It Up

Google is facing an $8 billion penalty for its use of the word “Google,” which the library board has determined bears a suspicious resemblance to a perfectly good nonsense word that could have been used during children’s story hour. According to the board, “Google” is precisely the sort of word a librarian might invent when reading a book about a small purple creature who loses its mittens but learns something about friendship.

“It has a nice rhythm,” said a children’s librarian. “You could say, ‘The little Google went googling through the woods.’ It has possibilities. It belongs in a felt-board story, not on an advertising platform that knows you are thinking about buying replacement shoelaces.”

Google will be required to rename its search engine “Please Look This Up in a Book.” The company’s homepage will consist of a plain card-catalog drawer.

Microsoft Receives Window Sentence

Microsoft is facing an even more serious charge: the unauthorized commercial use of the word Windows.

Librarians point out that public libraries have employed windows for centuries, primarily to let sunlight into reading rooms and to give patrons something to stare through while pretending they are thinking deeply about the novel they have been reading for 40 minutes. 

“Windows are not software,” said a library spokesperson. “They are holes in walls. Sometimes they open. Sometimes they do not. Sometimes there is a bird outside. The system requirements are very low.”

Microsoft executives will be required to spend 6 months seated beside actual library windows, quietly watching weather happen. They may look at birds. They may notice a tree. They may observe that someone has parked too close to the curb. But they may not install updates, restart the window, or ask why it is taking so long to render the sky. At least once per day, each executive must say, “You know, this is pretty nice. No Clippy.”

Zoom Ordered to Lower the Volume

Zoom is being fined $2 billion for claiming the word zoom, which librarians say has been in circulation for generations among children, grandparents, race-car drivers, cartoonists, bees, small dogs, and anyone trying to imitate a spaceship while carrying groceries.

“Zoom is a sound,” said one librarian. “It is a motion. It is something you say when a toddler runs through the picture-book area wearing one shoe and holding a stuffed dinosaur. No corporation gets to own that.” 

As part of its sentence, Zoom will be required to conduct all future business meetings by whispering across a large room. Participants must stand at least 25 feet apart and say things such as:

“Can everyone hear me?”

 “I think you’re muted.”

“No, I mean emotionally.”

“Could you repeat that? The HVAC system is talking.”

The company’s background-blur feature will be replaced with a librarian slowly walking behind each participant and placing a potted plant in front of anything embarrassing.

TikTok Receives a Clock-Based Penalty

TikTok has been cited for the commercial use of “tick-tock,” a phrase public libraries have determined was already functioning adequately as an imitation of clock sounds long before anyone thought to pair it with dances, product recommendations, and someone explaining an ancient Roman recipe in fewer than 45 seconds.

As punishment, TikTok executives will be required to sit in a silent library beside a grandfather clock for 8 consecutive hours. No phones. No videos. No “content.” No person in the corner explaining that the clock is “kind of a vibe.”

Just:

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

Other Companies Under Review

The investigation is expected to broaden considerably as librarians begin examining a growing list of companies suspected of borrowing language without proper authorization. 

Late Fees Apply

Librarians insist that the program is not motivated by money. “It is about stewardship,” said the head of the Language Protection Division. “We have been the guardians of words for a very long time. People can borrow our books. They can borrow our movies. They can borrow our DVDs, assuming the DVD case has not somehow become separated from the DVD. But they cannot borrow the English language without respecting the due date.”

Under the proposed policy, companies that improperly borrow words will owe late fees of 25 cents per syllable per day. 

The fee increases if the company: 

• Adds “AI” to the borrowed word
• Removes a vowel
• Replaces a letter with an X
• Insists the word is “disruptive”
• Uses the word as a verb and then claims that language is evolving
• Introduces a subscription tier called “Premium Plus”

There will be no exceptions. Except, perhaps, for the word “exception.” The library has not yet determined who owns that one, although several legal departments have expressed interest. Until then, the word has been placed on a 14-day hold.